​Earlier this month, I finished the draft of my book that I began working on nearly four years ago. What began in 2013 as a kind of memoir of being an artist with a day job morphed over time to be my own creative manifesto about how to make a living and build a life as an artist  The process of writing started off feeling kind of glamorous. I was going to write a BOOK! A real live book of my own.  

You may have guessed--that shiny novelty quickly faded into the reality of picking up the pen again and again and again. This process was long, thrilling, tiring, hopeful, frustrating, and in the end, unlike any other experience I have ever had. I know I will go back and do more editing, finding places to tighten up and to elaborate on, but for now, I am trying to savor the pride I feel at actually having finished what I set out to do.  

It is strange to write a book that no one is waiting for. Many authors have a deadline from their agent or publisher, a sign that someone, somewhere, is waiting to read the words they write. This is to say nothing of the millions of readers that wait anxiously for the release of a book, rush to purchase it when it arrives at the bookstore, and take it home to enjoy with a cup of tea.

But no one is waiting for my book. Well, that's not entirely true. I was waiting and working for it the whole time, and I believe that the book itself was also waiting to be brought into the world. Books are born into the world, aren't they? Still, sitting down to pour the book out onto paper often felt a bit pointless. Who would mind a bit if I just stopped? Or walked away? Who would notice?

There's a million advantages to having the world wait with bated breath on a creative project you are birthing. But there is also a big advantage to making that trek solo with out fireworks and fanfare at the end. Sure, no one is waiting to praise the book, to purchase it, to dive into what you have made, but there is also no one to tell you your style is wrong. No one to criticize your turn of phrase. No one to tell you that you can't hand draw your own illustrations. You are free to express yourself precisely how you want.  My seven year old self, who wrote and illustrated her own books before binding them together with colored yarn got to play again.  With no oversight or interference from an adult. 

I am starting to look for an agent and eventually a publisher. These folks will let me know what edits they think will be necessary to my words, to my style, to the project as a whole. And that's ok. But first, I wanted to get the book out just the way I wanted to.  First things first.

Oh, and one of the best (and most unexpected) parts about finishing the book? I feel lighter. A lot lighter. This book had been renting space in my brain for nearly four years, and while I loved working on it, I had to say "no" to a lot of other ideas or creative whims I had during that time. 

But when I finished this draft? The next day, I had a list of creative risks I want to take, ideas I want to flesh out, and adventures I want to pursue. I didn't even try to brainstorm these new ideas, it's as if the space left by the book became a vacuum, pulling in any and all ideas I have had on the back burner for the last few years into my brain, rushing in all at once. I cleared out creative brain space and creative brain space always wants to be filled. 

The weirdest part is, I not only have ideas that I've wanted to do for a long time, like write and make a short film, but I am now getting really excited about taking creative risks that  I can hardly wait to take that I never knew I even wanted to take.

Stand up comedy? Yup.
Pottery? Can't wait to try it.  
Writing a suspense novel? Let's try it. 

So keep writing.  Or reading. Or rehearsing. Keep going when you think you can't. See your project through and then brace yourself for the joy of finishing what you started out to do and making way for what might be next. 

I'm never been a big fan of sweeping or scrubbing, but creative cleaning is something I can get behind. 

How about you? Do you have a creative project renting space in your brain? What are you excited to pursue once it's cleared out?

 Happy Wednesday! I've got so many blog posts brewing in my brain, but at the moment, I'm feeling that familiar combination of big happiness/all-consuming exhaustion that follows the closing of a play. BIG WORK's last performance on Saturday was just incredible, and ever since my creative self has been saying "Keep going! Such great feedback from the audience, amazing momentum from the four sold out shows, and SO MANY IDEAS TO PUT INTO ACTION. RIGHT NOW!" Alas, the rest of me has won out, happily yielding to the need for sleep, a regular eating schedule, time with my husband, and unscheduled evenings and weekends. There's been time spent with dear friends, mocktails, and binge watching of the Great British Baking Show. So tired, and so grateful.

So, while I will be back soon with some new blog posts and to fill you in on the emotional skydiving adventure that was writing, directing, and performing in my own play, for now I thought I'd share some previously secret, super exciting, somewhat nerdy news. 

Elizabeth Gilbert, one of my favorite authors and all around human beings, is celebrating the ten year anniversary of her best selling book Eat Pray Love  with an anthology of reader written essays on how reading the book impacted their lives. Guess who is over the moon to have her essay titled "Steps" included in the book? Here's a hint: she's got curly hair, a ceaseless hunger for plantain chips, and she's typing at you right now. 

Eat Pray Love Made Me Do It, published by Riverhead Books comes out in bookstores and online worldwide on March 29th, and even though the editor already sent me an advance author's copy last week (which a bleary-eyed me greedily tore into at midnight following the tech rehearsal for BIG WORK), I am going to head to a local bookstore later this month just to see it on the shelf. And maybe take a picture. Or a hundred pictures. You know, nothing too embarrassing. 

My essay "Steps" focuses on the eight months I spent in bed because of debilitating back pain at the age of 26, during which time I read my weight in books and discovered Liz Gilbert and her wonderful memoir Eat Pray Love. Not too many people know about this time of my life, and writing about it felt both vulnerable and right. Having seen over a dozen doctors over the course of two years, I eventually found myself out on disability from my day job and having had to drop out of my first theatre company that I co-founded in Charlottesville, not to mention sit out from my social life. What I appreciated most about Eat Pray Love was that it wasn't inspired by a perfect life, but instead was a story that sprang from one woman's experience of suffering and her journey to joy and healing. If she had suffered alone and allowed anger to consume her, we wouldn't have the book--and all the lessons that came with it. Thankfully, Liz decided to navigate her own journey through pain by writing and sharing her story with anyone who would listen. Because of that choice, her suffering was transformed from a kind of poison into medicine. Amazing how that works.

Being bedridden for nearly eight months was one of the darkest times I've ever experienced in my life so far, but I am so grateful to have gone through it and that my own suffering did not go to waste. Out of a mess of depression, anxiety, and major financial stress came the best summer of my life when my husband and I married in my hometown, followed by our move to Boston so that I could do my Master's at Emerson. The rest is history, and I know I wouldn't be surrounded by all the amazing souls that I am had it not been for those dark days. That time in my life continues to feed me in the most unexpected of ways. For this, I still say "thank you". 

This upcoming book release is a good reminder to myself that my aim in life is not to avoid suffering, but to not let it be in vain. I want to be brave enough to let myself feel despair, anger, and sadness, and from those things, keep mustering the energy to make something meaningful to share with the world. Sharing is powerful, and I feel in debt to the many brave souls who have shared their stories with me in some way. Maybe this is a small way of giving back.

I'm still waiting to hear if there's going to be a book event at a local book shop here with a few other essay contributors that live in New England, so I will keep you posted on that. I've also renewed my vow to continue working on my own book that I began a few years ago--the draft has gone from a day job memoir to a creative manifesto to something that's a mash up of both. With more daylight, unscheduled time, and warmer weather on the horizon, I'm hoping to see if I can put together a final draft of this thing I've been working on once and for all. 

To read more about Eat Pray Love Made Me Do It, head over to Elizabeth Gilbert's site. There's also a recent interview that she did in People Magazine where she talks about setting aside a whole day to read the essays. I might have freaked out a bit when I read that.

What about you? Have you tried transforming a difficult time in your life into something that felt healing and meaningful? Do you have a book or film that was born out of someone's suffering that helped you to grow in some way? Share your thoughts in the comments!