A college professor once told my acting class "As someone in the theatre, you are a one-wo/man business. You are the accountant, the marketing manager, the head of operations, the salesperson, and the President of "You, Incorporated" all rolled into one.  It's about wearing all the hats, so you need to get good at it." 

Over the years these words have rang true time and time again. As an actor, a writer, a teaching artist, really, any kind of creative, you do need to be able to juggle these roles in order to make your way in this big artsy world. While I don't do any of these roles perfectly by any means, I am pretty comfortable with most of them. Procrastination aside (see this month's post about procrastination and perfection) I am willing to work hard, put in the time and energy required for a project, and generally feel like I have a final product I can feel good about. No, my ongoing issue seems to be with the marketing role. Don't get me wrong, I am very passionate about what I do, and am happy to talk about it with someone who is genuinely interested, but I have realized this is an area I need to work on. 

Networking. An often dreaded interaction this introverted artist fears. You have to understand that I understand why we need networking events, and will be the first to admit that I try to attend them whenever I can. But once I'm in the room, I morph into a deer in the headlights, unsure of who to talk to, and more so, what to say when I get the opportunity to introduce myself to another artist in the field.

One instance that sticks out in my mind is when I attended the Howlround Theatre Potluck in the fall of 2013 in Boston. I was freshly graduated from Emerson, excited about continuing work on my play SafeGuard, and looking forward to spending an autumn evening in the Black Box Theatre at Emerson's Paramount with other theatre folk like myself. I went with a friend and we made a point of talking to as many new people as we could. I realized that I don't mind striking up conversation with a stranger, in fact, I'm getting better at being comfortable asking questions and learning about the work a new friend and colleague does. Things started off kind of like this:

Melissa: "Hello, my name is Melissa; it's wonderful to meet you! How long have you been in Boston? What kind of work do you do? A new play, that sounds very interesting....I'd love to hear about the performance when it goes up, let me get your card!"

Not bad. Then comes the part of the conversation when my new friend asks what I do. In theory, this is a kind gesture and is meant to provide a chance for me to share what I love to do and what I'm currently working on. In reality, it becomes a situation when I find it hard to define what it is I do, and feel like I'm drowning in self-consciousness and doubt. Here's an actual exchange from the Howlround event last year:

Lovely New Acquaintance: "So, Melissa! It's great to meet you, what do you do? Tell me about your role in the Boston theatre scene!"

Melissa: "Me? I, uh.....went to Emerson....and now I'm, uh, living in Boston.....working, in Boston...."

LNA: "...you're working in Boston, doing your thing....yeah! Good for you!"

She was so nice when she said this, and it was clear that she was trying to ease my self-doubt, but I felt so embarrassed.  I wasn't even able to state with confidence what it is that I do and why I love being part of the theatre.

Later that evening a friend and I that had gone to the event together were involved in a conversation that went down a similar path, each of us not wanting to sound too confident about what we do and what makes us tick. In fact, when I was asked what I do and eventually began to stumble over my words a bit, my generous friend gently piped in, and shared a few words about my play, SafeGuard. Later, I did the same for her, and when we left, we laughed at our difficulty to be willing to promote ourselves.

Where does this struggle come from? I've got a few ideas. Growing up, I was taught to be modest (a good thing), but I often observed my parents brush off sincere compliments from well meaning friends and family, dismissing them, not wanting to seem conceited or boastful. I think this may have rubbed off on me. It also stems from a fear that if I say "Nice to meet you, I'm Melissa and I'm an actor", the next question will be "Oh yeah? Are you Equity? When's the last time you performed?" It's amazing how strong the need to prove yourself is. 

Anyone else have trouble marketing yourself and your work? Any ideas why? Maybe more importantly, any strategies that have helped you become more grounded and confident in speaking to others about what you do? 

“Wow, you are amazing—you just (fill on the blank with any accomplishment or goal)! I could never do that!” Sure you could, you’re just not willing to give up what it takes to do it. Sound harsh? Hear me out. More often than not, I am not able to accomplish a goal I have, not because I am incapable of reaching the goal, but because I was not able to give up something that I needed to in order to achieve it. This is a really very freeing concept, even if it sounds depressing at first. I’ll explain.

We’ll start with a broad example. I have always wanted to live in New York City. I don’t live there, nor am I sure I ever will. It’s easy to say “Uggh. I can’t live in NYC. It’s not my fault, I just can’t, it’s not in the cards for me.” I don’t live in NYC because it’s impossible. In reality, I don’t live there because I have chosen not to make the sacrifices I would need to in order to live there. If I was willing to downsize to a much smaller apartment, get a job that made more money but that was in turn a bit more more stressful, be willing to have a longer commute, cancel my Netflix subscription and other unnecessary expenses, give up buying organic groceries, and be willing to sacrifice time with my husband and our cat and loved ones in lieu of working a second job, I would probably be able to live in New York City. Would it make me a happy, wholehearted Melissa? Maybe, but I suspect not. This is not to say that the sacrifices I listed are what it takes for other people I know to live in NYC. They have different lives, different “givens” and have their own set of things they need and want to be wholehearted, happy people. It’s all about what formula works for you.

Here’s a second example. I ran my first 5K last summer and learned so much from the training process. For years, I told myself it was impossible for me to run a 5K. I recited excuses like I wasn’t athletic enough, strong enough, wasn’t blessed with the ability to run. In reality though, I wasn’t able to run a 5K before because I was not willing to give up what it took to meet the goal. Previously, I had not been willing to give up an hour every day to train for the race, I was not willing to deal with sore muscles, tired feet, and achy knees.  So when I finally decided to try this experiment and run a 5K, I knew this was going to be a moment of truth for me, much bigger than the race itself. Finally, I would get to discover if it really was true that I was incapable of running, or whether I was the one in my own way. I ran the 5K, ran it without walking a single step, and finished in less than 32 minutes. I got my answer.

I used to think I would never be able to run a marathon. Now with a 5K under my belt, I know I could probably run a marathon if I was willing to give up what it took to run one. I would need to give up my evenings and weekends for the next several months in order to do the training I would need to finish the race. Do I think it would be amazing to do a marathon? Hell, yes! When it comes right down to it, am I willing to give up the time and energy it would take to train for it? Not at this point in time. And, if I’m not willing to put in the time and energy it takes, then I need to be able to be at peace with my choice and be ok with not being able to tell people I’ve run a marathon. If I find that at some point in the future, I’m not at peace having not run a marathon, I’ll get out my sneakers, and put the miles in.

Back to the theatre. Sure, I have a day job that I need right now, BUT I could be doing a lot more theatre if I was willing to use every spare minute in the evenings and weekends to audition, rehearse, write, and perform. I CHOOSE not to. There is no right or wrong choice, and the list of what we’re willing to give is different for every person. You have to ask yourself: What are you willing to give up in order to work your dream job, have your own home, get healthy, stay home with your kids, to have a satisfying relationship? It needs to be said that it’s unfair to ask someone else what you they think you should be willing to sacrifice to achieve your dream. You know; deep down YOU know, and you don’t need someone else to validate that (as much as you think you do). Trust your gut and pay attention to your daily happiness quotient. Go with it as long as it makes you happy and makes you feel balanced, and when you notice discontent, tweak as needed. Repeat.

Please note that I am not saying that there aren’t circumstances that aren’t challenging or that we can completely control. This is life after all, and there are things that happen that we don’t expect, that throw us a curveball and leave us feeling like we’re free falling, unable to ground ourselves and gain control. I can’t speak for anyone else. But speaking for myself, I have come to realize that most things in my life have indeed been in the realm of my control, and a result of my own actions and choices. After all, no one made me get a B.A. in Theatre Performance and a Master’s in Theatre and Community, or move to a big city that it expensive to live in. I made the choice, and am free to pursue a career in a different field at any time, if I think that would make me happier. Knowing it won’t, onward I must go!

Am I willing to give up a lot of idle time I spend on Facebook, Pinterest, and email in order to make more theatre? Absolutely. Am I willing to give up every weekend with my husband? No. Am I willing to give up some evenings? Of course. Am I willing to give up eating foods that make me feel good, a good night’s sleep, and my peace of mind? Maybe for a tech week crunch, but not for the long term. 

There’s my list of prerequisites. What are yours?

"...and I'm a perfectionist." ("Hi Melissa!") Yes. I rarely say it out loud, but I am indeed a perfectionist and sometimes feel like perhaps I should become a member of a local Perfectionists Anonymous support group. You'll notice it's been  over a month since I've posted, and besides taking a nice hiatus for the holidays, I have to admit that my perfectionism played a role as well. I thought about posting a few times, but with each idea I had, a little voice inside me would pipe up, "Do you really think that is the MOST important thing to write about right now?", or "Is that something everyone can relate to? There must be something more universal to blog about", or "You HAVE to be more creative than that." . That old chum named Perfectionism loves to visit and when she does, she like to stay awhile, And when Perfectionism is around, her good friend Procrastination usually tags along for the ride. Perfectionism and Procrastination go hand in hand, at least for me. This pattern happens to me more often than I'd like to admit. Here's a few examples, perhaps you can relate:

1. I might want to go to an audition. But Perfectionism makes me feel like I need just the right monologue before I can attempt it, not to mention a nicer pair of shoes, and while we're at it, a new haircut. The result? I put off going until I feel I can live up to the standards I hold for myself.

2. I want to have a friend over for dinner, but feel like I should get some newer, nicer dishes before I do, And do a top to bottom cleaning of the apartment...AND buy that new sofa I've been dreaming of, but haven't quite saved enough for yet. Result? I don't invite them.

3. I begin the day intending to meditate, but after sitting down in my chair, decide I should light a candle to set the mood for meditation. Then I decide I should get a cup of tea ready so that when I finish, I can immediately sip some Earl Grey and reflect on how it went. And THEN I think about how nice it would be if I found some soothing music to play in the background, to help speed the enlightenment along. Result? Well, let's just say I'm not in a very deep mediation at this point, at least not about anything but designing a specific room in the house for meditation, complete with fountains, plants, pillows, and music. Grrrr. Sound relaxing? I think not. 

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. No matter what I set out to do, if I hold myself to Perfection, I inevitably stray away from the task at hand and Procrastinate. And while I know intellectually that Perfectionism is a road not to be taken, I still need to let that sink deep down into my bones until I really know  it. 
 
So, while I am not generally fixated too much on New Year's Resolutions, I am trying a new strategy for 2014: I vow to not let Perfectionism get in the way and cause me to Procrastinate. Ultimately, I believe this willingness to put pen to paper, literally and figuratively, and do the work will lead me to Progress. In fact, I'm trying it out this Tuesday by going to an audition with two monologues that (in my opinion) are not the end-all, be-all, monologues-to-end-all= monologues monologues, but you know what? If I wait to find those, I may never make it to the audition. So I'm diving in and am going to try to ride the wave of Progress. Which also means not waiting another month and a half to write another blog post. 

Is there something for you in 2014 that you are hoping to not procrastinate doing and make progress on? 
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Here's a fantastic little blog post on perfectionism and why it's the enemy of creativity, written by the wise and wonderful Brene Brown: http://brenebrown.com/2009/03/18/2009318perfectionism-and-claiming-shame-html/