Forgive me for re-posting this quote (I originally used in in a July post) , but I just love imagining J.K. Rowling trying to fit into a great many roles that weren't quite right for her before she surrendered to the truth that she was a writer, even long before the first Harry Potter book was published. In the past, I have identified myself in a way that I thought would make sense to other people, instead of defining myself according my own truth. When I tell people that I do administrative work to pay the bills, they start assuming that I'm trying to climb my way up to "executive assistant". As soon as I mention that I have studied theatre education, people assume my goal is to work with students full time. In the past, I have not easily challenged these assumptions, because I figured at the very least, people could wrap their heads around what the life of an administrative assistant or classroom teacher looked like. I'm not proud of failing to clarify their assumptions, but it's been easier to let them try to understand my life using familiar models, rather than try to explain the messy truth. On top of that, I often struggle to define who I am and what I do, so how can I explain it to someone else if I still don't fully understand?
I have pretended to play the role of "aspiring executive assistant" and "teacher looking for full time teaching job" for so long that I started to believe that these were things I actually wanted. I know so many wonderful drama teachers and talented administrative assistants; I respect both immensely, but the truth is that I have never felt a deep calling for either. Yet, I have spent countless hours applying for positions that didn't suit the real me and telling well meaning family that I was searching for work, all out of the desire to be respected and understood. Pretending to be someone that I am not has subconsciously made me believe I have failed at something; something I didn't even want in the first place.
I am going to stop pretending. The truth is that I am an actor, writer, and a community teaching artist, and I have been actively playing these roles in some way for over a decade. The truth is that I don't act, write, or teach workshops as much as I would like to have the time for, but I'm doing the best I can with the hours in the day I have. The truth is that I have worked many day jobs thus far in my quest to keep acting and writing, and will probably work many more. I am working on not needing anyone else's permission or approval to live this way, and perhaps most of all, I'm trying to give myself permission to be who I am, without judgement.
I have pretended to play the role of "aspiring executive assistant" and "teacher looking for full time teaching job" for so long that I started to believe that these were things I actually wanted. I know so many wonderful drama teachers and talented administrative assistants; I respect both immensely, but the truth is that I have never felt a deep calling for either. Yet, I have spent countless hours applying for positions that didn't suit the real me and telling well meaning family that I was searching for work, all out of the desire to be respected and understood. Pretending to be someone that I am not has subconsciously made me believe I have failed at something; something I didn't even want in the first place.
I am going to stop pretending. The truth is that I am an actor, writer, and a community teaching artist, and I have been actively playing these roles in some way for over a decade. The truth is that I don't act, write, or teach workshops as much as I would like to have the time for, but I'm doing the best I can with the hours in the day I have. The truth is that I have worked many day jobs thus far in my quest to keep acting and writing, and will probably work many more. I am working on not needing anyone else's permission or approval to live this way, and perhaps most of all, I'm trying to give myself permission to be who I am, without judgement.
As my often quoted sage Liz Gilbert says:
“Tis' better to live your own life imperfectly than to imitate someone else's perfectly.”
Who have you been pretending to be? Is it other people's judgement that's hardest to deal with, or do you struggle with your own?
