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You Are Not Helpless

7/20/2020

4 Comments

 
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I wrote this note to myself this spring, when Covid quarantine was fresh and I was in a near constant state of fight or flight. Amidst daily worries that my throat was sore (and therefore I must have Covid) and the reality of my pounding heart, I found myself writing these words. As they flowed from my pen, I felt surprised.

​Do you ever feel like your wise mind or a higher frequency is speaking to you from inside your own brain and heart? Does it happen more than you like to admit, but surprise you every time? Me too.

This isn't a way to say things are going well right now.

This isn't my way of convincing you or myself that there is no reason to worry.

What I was trying to tell myself, however, is that in the face of all that seems hopeless and BIG and SCARY, we are not helpless. I have power. So do you.

Power is using your privilege, however that manifests for you, to dismantle white supremacy.

Power is drinking enough water and eating food that feeds health and not disease.

Power is being your own friend.

Power is taking three deep breaths when you feel panicked.

Power is reaching out to someone for help when you feel helpless.

We aren't in control of everything. But we have the power to affect SO MUCH more than we realize.

Take care and use your power for good.


P.S.: Below are three organizations that I donated to recently in the continued fight for justice for the Black, Trans, and Indigenous communities, and wanted to share the links here in case you are able to offer some money as well, no matter how modest the amount.

Black Lives Matter Boston (or your local chapter): https://blacklivesmatterboston.org/
Massachussetts Transgender Emergency Fund: https://transgenderemergencyfund.org/
Native American Legal Defense Fund: https://www.narf.org/

4 Comments

Actively Becoming Anti-Racist

5/30/2020

3 Comments

 
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Image of George Floyd by David Garibaldi.
A Small Needful Fact

Is that Eric Garner worked
for some time for the Parks and Rec.
Horticultural Department, which means,
perhaps, that with his very large hands,
perhaps, in all likelihood,
he put gently into the earth
some plants which, most likely,
some of them, in all likelihood,
continue to grow, continue
to do what such plants do, like house
and feed small and necessary creatures,
like being pleasant to touch and smell,
like converting sunlight
into food, like making it easier
for us to breathe.


Ross Gay is a poet, professor at Indiana University and author of the collection “Catalog of Unabashed Gratitude.”​
George Floyd. Breanna Taylor. Ahmaud Arbery. And so many more. Precious human beings robbed of their one, precious life by racist violence.

It's hard to put the rage and heartbreak we are feeling into words. It feels near impossible for me to put my big feelings into anything resembling a coherent blog post right now, but the truth is, I couldn't wait another day to write this, regardless of how scattered it might be. Continuing to be silent while our brothers and sisters are murdered by police is akin to standing by and watching while a fire burns. Staying out of the arena while I figure out how to say what I feel, and worrying whether I am saying it "right" is simply allowing myself to hide behind my own perfectionism and fear in exchange for continuing to be complicit. I'm imperfect and I'm angry and I'm likely going to make a "mistake" when I talk about this.

So be it. The real mistake would be convincing myself that my feeling uncomfortable is more important than other human beings who feel (and are) physically at risk, every moment of every day, simply because of the color of their skin. 

It's time to speak up, to stand up, and acknowledge white supremacy. Will I say something awkward at some point? Offensive? Selfish? I can almost guarantee it. 

So be it. White folks like me standing up and talking about racisim and white supremacy is crucial to actively dismantling a system that oppressses people based on the color of their skin and I'd rather be an imperfect human being talking about racism that someone who isn't willing to open my mouth at all. That's not ok anymore.

Isn't this a site for conversations around creativity and our innate human right to express ourselves through art? Yes. And not being murdered by the police in your own bed, car, neighborhood, and community is essential to human and creative expression. Period. 

This week, I've cried, I've called, I've posted, signed petitions, and been glued to social media, watching the videos of the arrests, protests, continued police brutality against citizens, and commentary (and comments) unfurl. It feels like watching a house burn because there is a fire raging right now, and long after the flames were doused on the building in MN, the blaze of spirit remains. I've taken action this week and it doesn't feel like enough. 

This post isn't here to debate the urgency of dismantling the racist systems that literally kill black Americans and I'm not writing because I think I have the answers. I'm showing up because I believe that it's the only thing we can do in this moment, in this movement, and I invite us to share a conversation here in the comments about how we can acknowledge the collective pain we feel and take action on ending white supremacy once and for all.

What are you doing this week to educate yourself, to examine your own white privlege and the ways you have benefitted from a racist system? Here are five things that I've been doing these last few days, that while they aren't dousing the rage I feel, are helping to ground me and focus on what I can do in this moment. And though it feels awful to feel angry, would I really want to feel ok with all this going on? After all, ignorance is bliss, but at what cost?

1. This graphic (below) has helped me to realize and reflect on some of the ways that white supremacy masquerades in everyday life. It's not easy to see the ways you gained something based on someone else being oppressed; some are clear and others are covert. Seeing requires setting down your pride as well as questioning everything you believed about merit and who is deserving of success and happiness and what it means to enjoy security. It means looking at the way you were raised (what people told you regarding equality versus what you saw them model), the religion you subscribe to, your finances, the films you watch, the views you hold about certain cities and neighborhoods. It's so much easier to not examine these things. But we must. And I'll tell you, once you see, you can't unsee. 
​
PictureImage courtesy of Radical Discipleship




​

 
​2. Utilize these curated resources that already exist and that are PACKED with ideas for taking action in your own life. And don't forget, talking to people in your own life, including family and children (and thus in your sphere of influence) is crucial. 
  • This Google Doc is absolutely PACKED with ideas, books, resources for racial justice
  • 75 Things White People Can Do For Racial Justice 
  • Rachel Ricketts Antiracism Resources
  • A recent post on Cup of Jo blog, and the comments are incredible and informative

3. Be proactive about learning from people who have experienced racism because of the color of their skin. Believe them when they say they are hurting. And? Don't expect them to take their personal time and energy to tell me exactly how I can help. For me, this has meant not burdening the people of color in my life with direct messages of "I'm so sorry this is happening, can you tell me how I can help?" but trying to take the onus of research and action steps on myself. For me, this has meant purchasing some books on becoming anti-racist and books that examine a non-white perspectives of oppression. After all, become aware is the first step. So far, I've got So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo en route via my local bookstore (PLEASE buy local whenever you can via this handy dandy site that helps you locate a small bookshop near you to purchase from), and on Audible, I've queued up Teaching to Transgress by Bell Hooks and How to be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi. I've got so much to learn.

4. Asking where I have power in my own life and how I can bring anti-rascist work for these areas. I am so grateful to be a teacher and specifically, I teach teachers at the graduate level how to work with students in classrooms in a variety of settings. Goodness knows I'm an imperfect professor, and I still find myself stuck in my own biases and perspectives and have to actively work through how I am approaching pedagogy and curriculum.  This week I'm using my rage as a way to recommit to making my classroom a place where I'm actively antiracist and don't fall back on a white centric view in my courses.  For me, this has meant reviewing my curriculum for my documentary theatre class and making sure that I am being even more inclusive with the reading list my students get each semester. In doing so, I made the decision to include a new play by Larissa FastHorse,  a Native American playwright, and Trans Scripts by Paul Lucas, a documentary play by  that tells the stories of trans women onstage. It's small, but it's a start.  You have power. Use it where you can.

5. Recommit to or start following non-white activists, artists, and thought leaders.  As white people who benefit from the racist system, we must actively work to change that system AND at the same time, we must allow people of color to lead and allow their voices to be heard above ours. Shaun King (who has a brilliant hotline set up to demand justice for George Floyd), Layla Saad, Brittany Packnett, Rachel Cargle, and Shaka Senghor, are just a few to start with. I've been floored at the number of new to me activists and artists of all kinds that I've discovered just this morning writing this blog post, people that aren't profiled in mainstream media and who are doing important, beautiful work. Seek them out. You won't be sorry. Do research of your own and find countless human beings who have been speaking about these injustices for much longer than we as white folks have been aware or cared to listen. Oh, and I also recommend Standing Up for Racial Justice, which is a national network of folks that gather and mobilize to dismantle white supremacy and build just communities. I've been to meetings in the past and you can look up a chapter near you.

6. Put your money where your mouth is. Donate to Minnesota Freedom Fund, which helps to post bail for protestors in MN, and google other options for your local area. If you are in or near NY, Brooklyn Bail Fund is another great prg doing this work. Donate to your local Black Lives Matter chapter. Offer to provide food and water for an upcoming protest. Seek out local organizations that support arts, education, health equity, and othr efforts for your black neighbors and community members and make a donation. Pay non-white artists, writers, and activists for the materials they share on white supremacy instead of simply expecting them for free. 

So, what other resources do you suggest during this time? I would love to hear, in the comments, or on social media. As Lin-Manuel Miranda says, "This is not a moment, it's the movement." This is a marathon, not a sprint, and we need to continue to take good care of ourselves and each other at this time. Fight, rage, speak out. Drink water, sit in stillness for five minutes, cuddle with your pet, sing loudly to your favorite song. We need us, and the only way to make sure we can still continue caring and working for change is to take care.

Let us stand
and speak
and kneel
and march
and write
and donate
and read
and teach
and preach
and pray
and scream
and cry
and imagine
and dream
and create
​and build
and organize
and educate
and rejoice for hard won victories

and care for ourselves and one another
together.

Let us not forget that though revolution is raw and painful, the point is to fight for a world where we can create instead of cry.  What if the end goal of the fight for justice is joy?
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3 Comments

Checking In: Resisting Labels, Welcoming Storms, and Five Fun Things

4/6/2020

1 Comment

 
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Hi Friends! How are you doing? We are a few weeks into this self-quarantine, and I know that so many of us are feeling ALL the feelings and trying our best to make it through each day. I hope you and the people and pets you love are safe and healthy, and that you have been being extra kind to yourself. This is scary and new and it takes time to adjust. 

A few weeks ago I wrote about feeling exhausted just seeing all the (well meaning) advice going around the internet, an intuitive rejection of trying to hustle during this time, pressure to perfect projects, hone new hobbies, and the like. I still bristle when I see pithy quotes and memes about using this time "wisely" or even "appreciating every moment". It all still feels like too much and gives one a sense that there is a "right"way to respond at this time and implies that if you aren't, in fact, feeling a sense of wonder, renewal, or revelation during this time, you have failed somehow. This is false. 

There is no wrong way to feel. Too often we endorse certain feelings as "good" (happiness, hope, excitement) and other feels as "bad" (fear, negativity, lack of energy).  Judging feelings and subsequently labeling feelings means to decide that it's not ok to feel however we are feeling and that instead we must chase positivity endlessly while cutting out the parts of our hearts that feel anger, anxiety, and confusion. 

Even Shakespeare recognized the uselessness of labeling our inner experience as "good" or "bad:"

"...for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."

Dismissing certain feelings as "not ok" is a recipe for suffering. Classifying feelings and emotions into moral camps and categories is neither realistic nor natural. Judging our feelings are good or bad is a mirage we've bought into. It's a habit we willingly participate in, and it's also one we can willingly unhook from. We are whole human beings designed to feel a range of emotions that span the spectrum from delight to despair and everything in between. Instead of heaping shame upon yourself by trying to squeeze yourself into an emotional box that is anything but natural, why not offer yourself grace and compassion during this time, and give yourself the permission to FEEL IT ALL?

I never used to believe this would work. When I first started working with my therapist and she suggested that instead of trying to hold feelings back, like a dam holds back a river, I might try experimenting with feeling the waves of emotions as they came over me, like waves upon the shore, not resisting them, but patiently sitting with them until once again receded. After many sessions of resisting this technique, I tried to let the waves of anxiety, anger, sadness, and fear wash over me without making them go away. And you know what? They felt ovewhelming for a bit. And after being with them and giving expression to them while they visited me, they did, in fact, recede back out to sea. 

What we resist persists.

What we allow to be with us for awhile might make us cry, ramp up our anxiety, or make us fear that we will feel this way forever.  But like a storm that is allowd to rage, the skies of our minds and hearts eventually clear again and make way for something brighter. 

So. How are you feeling right now?

Anxious? That's ok.

Using this time to draw and doodle? That's ok.

Sleeping more than usual? That's ok.

Dancing without pants on in your kitchen to use that extra adrenaline you have? That's ok.

Etcetera, etcetera. 

I urge you to stop the fight against yourself and simple welcome whatever you are feeling with open, if begrudging, arms. It won't feel good at first, but as the alchemy of feeling your feelings without labeling them as good or bad works its magic, you will find that the storm does pass. 

In the spirit of this idea, though I'm still rebelling against any specific way I should be coping, I am trying to be as open minded as possible when it comes to what I feel like doing during this time. Here's some of the things I've been up to:

​1. Cooking.  I have always loved cooking and baking and it's especially comforting to me during this time. On a Sunday earlier this month, I cooked a big batch of my Grandma Lauricella's meatballs and tomato sauce. Not only is it one of my favorite meals, but it gave me comfort to cook this childhood dish knowing that my Italian and Sicilian ancestors made this for Sunday dinners to share with family during some of the hardest times of their own lives that they lived through and endured: World War I, the Spanish Flu of 1918, The Great Depression, and World War II. Food is so human and sustains us in dark times in a million different ways. And cooking or baking engages your senses in the present moment which helps to calm anxiety.
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                                                             Grandma Lauricella's (Gluten-Free) Meatballs


2 lbs. ground beef

1 pound ground pork

6 eggs

3/4 cup crushed plantain chips

1/2-3/4 cup coconut milk

3/4 tsp sea salt

1/4 tsp garlic powder

1/8 tsp black pepper (omit for strict AIP)

1-2 TBSP olive oil

Prepare your plantain chips. I put 1/2 cup of plantain chips in a blender and use the chop function to make them as fine as possible; the goal is to have them resemble breadcrumbs. Pour into a small bowl and add the plain coconut milk over the top; you can start with the lower amount and add up to 3/4 cup, depending on how covered the plantain chips are. Toss lightly with a fork and let sit for at least ten minutes, until plantain chips have softened.

Mix the beef and pork together in a large mixing bowl. Add sea salt, garlic powder, and black pepper, if using. Add eggs to bowl and mix well with meat. Finally, add plantain chip crumbs/coconut milk mixture and combine well with meat. Roll mixture into one and a half inch meatballs.

Heat 1 TBSP of olive oil in a large, deep skillet over medium heat, and add as many meatballs as will fit; it's likely you will only fit half at a time. Brown meatballs for 3-4 minutes on as many sides as you can. Remove to a plate once browned, and continue with the rest.

To finish the meatballs, you will need to simmer them in the sauce of your choice--it can be a nomato sauce OR if you can tolerate tomatoes, go with a homemade or store bought marinara sauce. Add a sprig or two or fresh basil to the sauce and meatballs and cover, simmering in the sauce at least 2 hours, or 3 for a richer flavor.

Serve with hot gluten free noodles and Parmesan cheese, if you tolerate dairy. 

2. Sleeping. A LOT MORE. I normally require about 8-9 hours of sleep to feel rested and coherent, and during the last month, I have been sleeping 9-10 hours or more per night, often heading to bed at 9:30 pm and often heading back to bed on a Saturday morning after I putter around the apartment a bit. And it feels so good! No matter what people tell you, sleep is so valuable, especially at a time like this. It's easy to be sucked into thinking you are "wasting" time by heading to bed early or sleeping in or taking a nap, but that's just rubbish. Sleep is a wonderful way to take extra care during this time, guilt-free. 

3. Watching period films and television series. I was the kid who loved history and went around the house trying to dress in old fashiuoned clothing using candles at night instead of the light in her bedroom, daydreaming that she was in The Secret Garden while walking around the yard. Now I'm an adult whose love for history and old fashioned stories endures, and I've been going down the period piece rabbithole and enjoying the heck out of losing myself (and my anxiety in the process) in stunning visuals and dramatic plots. Some of my favorites I've watched recently include Outlander on Starz, Mansfield Park, and Portrait of a Lady on Fire (below), that was simply gorgeous. 

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4. Doing a little coloring / doodling. I used to paint and draw quite often, and while I need to keep my overachieving / perfectionist self from feeling like I have to become a master, I have been enjoying getting out my colored pencils again to use in my adult coloring book gifted to me by a friend a few years back and opening a new page of my old stechbook to try to capture the likeness of my sweet cat (in progress pic below). There's good reason why kids can get lost coloring. The repetitive motion and textures of the pencils and paper are actually very soothing. No judging, just joy; pleasure, not perfection. 
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5. Daily Walks. If there has been one thing I feel strongly about doing, it has been to get outside for some fresh air as often as possible. My allergies have been acting up as I spend more time in the apartment and my body and spirit have craved sunshine. I try and indulge my inner seven year old when I go out walking and make a mental scavenger hunt for fun. What flowers can I find today? How many different kinds of birds? I like engaging as many of my senses as possible. What does the bark of the willow tree feel like on my hands? How does it feel to walk through the mud? Snapping some photos of some of my favorite flowers has been soothing, too. 
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I hope you continue to take care the best you can and give yourself a permission slip to feel what you feel and do what you want to do without judgement or regard for how it might look to everyone else. And if you feel like sharing, tell me what you are up to in the comments below.

​Looking forward to sending along some more notes, links, and photos soon!
1 Comment

Poem: Bright Wealth

3/25/2020

2 Comments

 
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I took a walk today,
and the outside felt so good,
like a fresh breeze blowing through
my worn out brain
or fragrant petals floating round
my bruised heart,
as the blue sky hung above,
speckled with stars I can’t see.
As I made my way towards the park,
I ate a clementine, picked and shipped
by loving family on the West Coast
and I swear,
I could taste the California light
in each bright, juicy bite.
I savored the curvy canyons
and craggy coastline
and the cold Pacific on my tongue.
Fingers sticky, I grasped the empty rind,
now bereft of its secret inside,
and felt the drops of rain
that started to dampen my hair,
threatening to soak my circle skirt
and saturate the swell of an ocean
churning in my chest.
Even as I ran home,
my leather boots beating the pavement
like a drum
and
the taste of faraway fruit lingering
on my cracked lips,
I knew.
This is all we have.
And oh, how rich we are.
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    Author

    My name is Melissa and I'm an actor, writer, and teaching artist who never really left my playful seven year old self behind. I'm also passionate about sustainable creativity - we must take care of ourselves in a holistic way if we want to keep thriving as an artist. What does being creative mean to you? How do you play every day? This is a space for taking a break, a breath,  and finding ways to flex our imagination and find the joy where we can.  No one is going to present us with a ready made creative life--we have  to step up and gift it to ourselves. I'm so glad you're here.

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