THE PERPETUAL VISITOR: Sustainable Creative Living.
  • Blog
  • About Me
  • Things I Teach
  • Things I Make
    • The Book: The Perpetual Visitor
    • Wild Unfolding: and other poems
    • New Bird
    • The Podcast
    • Theatre
    • Film
    • Poetry
  • Contact
  • Blog
  • About Me
  • Things I Teach
  • Things I Make
    • The Book: The Perpetual Visitor
    • Wild Unfolding: and other poems
    • New Bird
    • The Podcast
    • Theatre
    • Film
    • Poetry
  • Contact

Tangled Treasure (A New Year's Wish)

12/31/2018

2 Comments

 
Picture
It's always tempting to make resolutions for a New Year. It can be a hard time of year if you're feeling depressed, anxious, sad, or generally unsure about what comes next. I gave a lot of thought to what my resolutions might be for 2019. True, there's so many creative projects that I want to work on and meditation goals and mental health progress I want to make and at the same time, my gut says that the last thing I need are resolutions disguised as a festive to-do list that heaps even more pressure upon my currently full but sometimes self-critical heart. 

It's painful to feel like you're failing to be ambitious or motivated enough or feeling as grateful as you feel you should be. What if we were able to make room for these feelings tonite and just let them be there? No guilt, no needing to plan a fabulous year ahead or even know what you're going to eat for breakfast tomorrow. What if we simply allowed ourselves to feel what we are feeling right this moment? We always want things to be OR. Gratitude OR despair. Love OR hate. Inspiration OR depression. What if we allowed ourselves to feel confusion AND curiosity AND grief AND hope for the next twelve months? The human heart knows not of the rules we fashion for how we think we should feel. It's all in there swimming around together. I am starting to think that's ok? And if that's ok and we don't have to spend our precious energy fighting ourselves, putting things into categories, locking some things away to keep forever and banishing other things, desperate to cut them out of us for good, what would we have the energy to do? To see? To make? To BE? Gosh, I really want to know.

This night and tomorrow and the days after, I'm going to see what happens if the only resolution I make is to allow it all: feelings, fears, thoughts, and on and on. I'm sick of grinding myself down in the name of motivation, progress, perfection, and getting upset because I fail to live up to a standard that is super-human and therefore impossible. I'm a human (so are you) and perhaps giving myself the gift of being human is the belated Christmas gift that I didn't know I wanted and needed. 

When (not if) I fail at and get frustrated with this goal, I will allow those feelings, too. In those moments, I will kindle and rekindle the fire in my heart with theatre and poetry and music and wonder and good food and people I love and my sweet cat and big dreams, and kindle it yet again when it burns out and grows cold for the upteenth time. I want to know what happens if I forgive myself the anger that arises when I can't do something fast enough, well enough, and when I feel like I myself am not enough. I want to see what it's like if I greet whatever comes up with "Well, hey there. Come on in, you're welcome here", even if I am feeling stingy and want to throw a tantrum and make that thought or feeling to leave and never show it's face ever again. So much of my suffering comes not from the things that happen to me (getting sick, accruing debt, the different phases of friend and family relationships, a professional hardship, a creative block) but to how I punish myself for the things that are inevitable for all of us in life from time to time. 

There's a Buddhist story of the two arrows: when something painful happens to us, that's the first arrow. It's not our fault and we have a right to feel that pain that results from said event. But we shoot ourselves with the second arrow when we choose to punish ourselves for the thing that wasn't our fault in the first place. "How could I be so stupid? How dare I feel that way? How could I be such a failure?" All second arrows, shot at ourselves.

I'm going to try to lay down my bow and arrow and give myself a chance to heal from all the times I've wounded myself. Call a truce, see what it's like to wave the white flag of surrender. Allow it all to just exist as it is. 

As violinist Itzhak Perlman said “Sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left.” Maybe that's our task as human beings, too. Maybe our job isn't to stop all the painful feelings from coming, but to notice them, love ourselves not despite but because of them, and lay the hurts in the pile alongside the pieces of joy we've collected and from this pile of tangled treasure, believing that there is gold waiting to be found and shared with someone else who also needs a reminder of the beauty that lay inside the rubble. 

There's magic in this mess that's YOU. It might be time that we learn to love going emotional and spiritual dumpster diving. There's no knowing what we might find. Happy New Year, Friends.
2 Comments
resume writers online link
2/21/2019 08:59:27 am

Our New Years' resolution should be a reflection of the person we desire to be one day. Of course, there are still flaws and other stuff, but you need to aim for the better, for what is the best. I know that life is sometimes tough and force us to change for what the situation call us to be, but please don't teach yourself from you who really are. I guess, it's really important that we know our desires and the kind of person that we are right now. By doing that, we will be able to know the things we should improve by ourselves.

Reply
Laura Hobson
12/23/2022 01:53:17 pm

I was really stressed by Acid reflux issues with my newborn and had consulted Chief Dr Lucky. He gave us a thorough consultation and the medicines were equally effective. In a couple of weeks there was big improvement in my son and we are very pleased with the progress. We cannot thank Chief Dr Lucky enough. Highly recommended.

Email [email protected]

WhatsApp +2348132777335

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Author

    My name is Melissa and I'm an actor, playwright, author, filmmaker, and teaching artist who wants to help you discover, cultivate, and care for your creativity. 
     
    What does being creative mean to you?

    How do you play every day?

    This is a space for taking a break, a breath,  and finding ways to flex our imagination and find the joy where we can. 

    ​No one is going to present us with a ready made creative life--we have  to step up and gift it to ourselves. I'm so glad you're here.

    Categories

    All
    Artist Dates
    Creative Recharge
    Creative Risks
    Motivation Monday
    Persistence
    Play
    Success
    Theatre
    Tiny Tips For Creativity
    Whole Artist
    Writing

    Archives

    August 2023
    July 2023
    December 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    March 2022
    January 2022
    November 2021
    August 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    August 2020
    July 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    April 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013

    Want to get blog posts delivered right to your inbox? Sign up to receive The Perpetual Visitor below and never miss creative conversation!

    Enter your email address:

    Delivered by FeedBurner

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.